Duke Nukem Forever Review

I don't know what I was expecting after 15 years, one of the, if not the longest development cycle for a game in all of videogame history. Having been developed on every conceivable console since its announcement in 1996, there was no way the story of Duke Nukem was going to end well. Here we are almost 2 decades and 3 active developers later and Duke Nukem Forever has finally been released, and frankly they should have left it dead and buried. Unfortunately Gearbox felt the need to save Duke from his endless development hell after the closure of  Duke Nukem creators 3D Realms. And thus we are given a game that would have more appropriately been released around 1996, which makes sense, given that was when the games bullshit macho posturing was relevant.

Duke Nukem is a one of the worst games ever released and its only accomplishment, though in retrospect is kind of a big one, is its release. What we are given after 15 years of waiting is a half-assed first person shooter with all the markings of what qualified as a terrible game back when it was announced. Duke's shooting mechanics are shoddy at best, and are almost never accurate, the game tries to vary up its mechanics by introducing driving levels, underwater levels, and areas where you find yourself shrunken down and trying to traverse the environment. Its a good idea, but poorly implemented, each of these divergences go on to long, and having to stop the driving mission, to fill the car with gas is excruciatingly dull. Graphically the game fails utterly, with low texture quality and low polygon counts serving as constant reminders as to this games original intended release date.

The Duke is back, is a factual statement, but he is bringing his perverse and outdated one-liner with him. While Duke was funny, in his most memorable appearance back on Duke Nukem 3D, his movie quotes are 10 years too late. Its sort of funny to think of the character as a sort of relic of an era long since forgotten, but the game doesn't position him like that, instead portraying him as the same "badass" and ladies man he was back when he was relevant. Instead he and the onslaught of crude jokes come across as immensely unfunny and then mildly offensive.

Duke Nukem isn't without merit, well in actuality the game in fact is, but as a history lesson into one of the most delayed and resurrected videogames in history its quite fascinating. You can often see elements that, had this game been released in a timely faction would have blown peoples minds. When compared to today's current crop of games it is a testament for how far the industry as come. For that sole reason this game deserves a look, to see what games used to be, what they are now, and for the now legendary story of this games development. As a history lesson its fascinating as a modern videogame its laughably outdated.

(1 out of 5)

Dexter S6 E1 "Those Kinds of Things" Review

I have become so conflicted with Dexter since around Season 4. Dexter has so much potential to dig deep and show a deeply tormented man, trying to keep his unquenchable thirst to kill at bay, while raising a family and working as a blood splatter analyst for Miami Metro Police Department. Instead Dexter never carries through its developments, opting to always reset every season. Every year we are given a new villain that Dexter will need to track down and stop before he/she/or they do anymore harm. In Season 4 Dexter had to fend of The Trinity killers advances while protecting his wife Rita and kids, but by season end Rita was dead and the kids moved in with their grandparents. Last Season Dexter meet Lumen a young women who he connected to, and as a women seeking vengeance against the people who assaulted and tortured her she saw Dexter for who he really was and loved him for it, but once again by season end Lumen had been "cured" of her dark passenger and she moved on.

And so here we are in Season 6 with a fresh slate, its unfortunate Dexter (the show) has no greater ambitions, instead Season 6 feels (for better or worse) like taking Dexter back to his roots, more forensic cop by day killer by night. Dexter just happens to be looking out for the future of his son, by finding a pre-school he feels comfortable inducting his son into. Debra is cursing up a storm like usual and still dating Quinn, but apparently the investigation that had Quinn pinned as the man who killed Liddy last year, has been neatly and conveniently wrapped up off-screen. Batista has thankfully divorced LaGuerta (also off-screen) since they were the most annoying couple last year. This whole episode just feels to convenient, everything is as normal and simple as it use to be, where is the drama, why isn't Quinn under investigation or more importantly, still suspicious of Dexter.

Having said all that this was still a pretty damn great first episode, with Dexter tracking his latest prey at his high school reunion and being forced to be more social, something Dexter is not very good at, which leads to hilarious scenes of him trying to comprehend the phrase "Hammer Time" and more specifically how it relates to normal time. Watching Dex return fully expecting to be ignored as he was in high school, only to be the center of attention was the highlight of the episode, dancing terribly, getting a BJ from the prom queen, playing tag football, and learning that his date to the spring formal found out she was a lesbian after him. Its all played for laughs and is a great counterpart to him trying to get proof that the star of the football team killed his own wife, so he can kill him.


Back in Homicide a duo of religious killers, take their first step into whatever apocalyptic vision they have. Killing a fruit vendor by disemboweling him, replacing his intestine with snakes, and finally sewing the Alpha and Omega sign into his chest, all while quoting from the Bible (specifically Revelations). Colin Hanks seemingly plays the student role of this psychotic duo trying his best to seem like a killer but, so far I'm not convinced. He looks like a little boy wearing his daddy's jacket, and it honestly looks quite silly.


Either way Dexter is back, with an interesting set of villains, and a back to basics feel. Even if everything feels artificial and conveniently reset for the new season, its still fun to watch Dexter stalk his prey, and his new interest in religion could only lead to some great moments throughout the rest of this season. I just fear this show will lose its appeal the more it continues the same formula.

(4 out of 5)

Quick and Dirty Reviews

Bridesmaids (3 out of 5)

With so much buzz, I was honestly expecting so much more from Bridesmaids. With such a great cast including SNL stalwarts Kristen Wig and Maya Rudolph as well as The Office's secretary sweetheart Ellie Kemper. Its all just a bit to familiar and rout, most jokes can be seen coming a mile away and then end up falling flat. There is a surprising sincerity to the proceedings as the girl friendships begin to fall apart and real emotions start to boil. Some genuinely funny moments and some tender relationship bits aren't enough to keep the movie exciting for its overlong run-time of 2 hours. While there are some laughs, mostly provided by Mad Men's Jon Hamm playing a complete slime-ball and sex fiend, they come to far apart to make much of a difference. Bridesmaids just doesn't have what it takes to stand alongside what has become a very competitive genre. It's defiantly not the female version of The Hangover and its not even as good as most of Judd Apatow's films either (Superbad, Knocked Up).

Hesher (3 out of 5)

Hesher has a lot of interesting things to say, not so much from the titular character but the movie itself, unforuntely the movie stumbles by never choosing a storyline and sticking with it, instead opting to dabble in multiple heavily emotional and complicated story threads and in-turn forcing them to lack that certain punch. Hesher stars a washed out and mildly psychotic Joseph Gordon Levitt and he is the best part of the movie, a tornado of chaos with a bi-polar disorder, its insane and hilarious to watch him interact with everyday people specifically to see how they respond. Rainn Wilson and Natalie Portman have small roles in the film, and neither amount to anything but another touchstone in the series of long and emotionally complicated stories. Its a shame Hesher isn't more focused, because the plight of a boy losing his mother and coming to terms with that along with the realization that his life is just one horrible situation after another is a great template. Its a shockingly unsentimental movie given the subject matter, which is refreshing but the movie is often as frantic and unengaged as its titular character.

Tucker and Dale Vs. Evil (4 out of 5)

A hilarious and blood soaked good time, Tucker and Dale Vs. Evil does for evil redneck slasher films what Shaun of the Dead did for zombies movies. Its a heartfelt tale of two redneck lifelong friends who find themselves in one over the top misunderstanding after another. As a group of camping college kids mistake them for cannibalistic hicks, and thus begin to fight them, only to end up killing themselves in absurd ways as Tucker and Dale just try to stay alive long enough to try and explain their side of the story. Tucker is played by the always magnificent Alan Tudyk who gives a great performance for such a schlocky low budget horror comedy, its always great to see people commit to their projects, and never believing their "better than this". As fun as the movie is, it stretches its singular joke as far as it can go, making all the hillbillie jokes grow old and wear thin. Though I will say it is funny to see the evil redneck version of all these slasher movies, makes you think if The Hills Have Eyes was just a giant misunderstanding that could have easily been avoided. Tucker and Dale Vs. Evil is a touching bromance mixed with gory executions and exceedingly hysterical accidents and misunderstandings.

Terra Nova: Television Pilot Review

Jurassic Park this is not, but its also not a complete travesty. Terra Nova contains time-travel, dinosaurs, action, suspense and teenage angst; well four out of five a'int bad. Terra Nova might be the most ambitious television program ever, with enormous physical sets and tons of special effects that bring the dinosaurs and two very distinct civilizations to life. The fact that this program is executive produced by Steven Spielberg doesn't mean much, the obvious Jurassic Park connection is the  most Spielberg provides to the show, what your left with is an ill conceived melodramatic family drama filled with some great action scenes and some very impressive visual effects. 

Unfortunately Terra Nova doesn't have much substance, filled to the brim with less than thrilling performances and a feeble attempt at a family torn apart drama. Steven Lang is the only recognizable actor in the entire cast and he is just playing the exact same role he had in Avatar, to a T. Apart from Lang the rest of the cast is as forgettable and wooden as you would find in any day time soap opera. Which brings me to my biggest complaint, "who cares", I mean nobody on the show is compelling, if they had a "Hello My Name Is ..." sticker in plain view I would still forget who the heck any of them where, and why they mattered, other than being fresh bodies for the carnivorousness dinosaurs.

All in all Terra Nova is a less then impressive pilot that has some potential, if some major overhauls are made to some key elements of the story and if the lead characters are given a more interesting role to play. As of now, its a very expensive sometimes impressive light show, which only proves that money and a recognizable name (Steven Spielberg) means nothing if it doesn't have heart. Now excuse me while I re-watch Jurassic Park. 

(2 out of 5)

Drive Review

Hollywood as it exists now is one of the worst things that has ever happened to movies. There is a predictability and soullessness to the movies that the fat-cat executives spit out and spoon feed to the masses, its sickening. Between the emotionless romantic comedies (Life as We Know It) and the dramatic drivel (The Lincoln Lawyer) not to mention the inordinate amount of remakes or "re-imaginings" its becoming increasingly difficult to go see a movie and be legitimately blown away; to be surprised at the twist, to lose yourself in a absorbing plot, and to root for a hero who is a genuinely good person. Maybe it just needed someone to take a left-field approach, because Drive manages to be all of the best qualities movies can have, without holding anything back, making it the best movie of the year bar-none, and a film that has reignited my excitement about what movies can be.


Drive stars Ryan Gosling an actor mainly known for his romantic films (The Notebook, Blue Valentine) and is directed by Nicolas Winding Refn a European film-maker who made big strides with his previous film (Bronson). Both Gosling and Refn are odd choices for a neo-noir crime drama, but I think that's what gives this movie a much appreciated freshness. Gosling plays the titular driver, an unnamed no nonsense getaway driver with a few rules that he abides by with no excuses. He is the best driver in town, when he isn't avoiding cops he is a stunt car driver for television shows and movies, he also works part time as a mechanic and is soon to become a full fleshed stock car racer. Gosling's portrayal is of a stoic and restrained man, he barely speaks but when he does its simple and to the point. He also happens to be inhumanly nice, doing favors and pretty much bending over for people he respects and likes. Through a series of bad situations he finds himself going to extreme measures to protect Irene and her son who live next door and who he has grown to love. Gosling makes the character so likable through his tangible charisma and his unflinchingly nice persona, he never uses a gun and never actively participates in the crimes he is helping people escape from, which makes it all the more intense when he finally decides to start dishing out the violence. This is a man who has been pushed to his breaking point and anyone that decides to harm those he cares for are going to be in a world of pain.

Drive is a lot like its main character it is methodical slow paced film but when push comes to shove, it breaks out into a fury of violence that can not be contained. Its genius the way the director handles the action in the film, it reminded me a lot of sex, the way in which the longer and more meticulous the build up the bigger and more intense the climax. The movie uses violence brilliantly, its not in excess like in most American action films, where its a hail of bullets and explosion from beginning to end, instead Drive takes its time establishing the scene ratcheting up the tension and suspense to excruciating levels until BAM, it lets loose and boy does it let loose. Drive contains some of the most memorable and brutal acts of violence ever filmed -- a scene with a hammer and a single bullet is quite gut wrenching-- But the violence isn't desynthesized because it all means something, the violence is in direct response to the heightened emotions; and as the audience you care and are invested in the characters, making the bursts of violence that much more visceral.

Over the measured pace and explosive violence there is one of the best soundtracks in a movie, focusing on a genre called Synth-Pop which is exactly what it sounds like; simple pop music with great electronic beats laid in. The music in the movie also does something unprecedented it actually plays out unaltered, very reminiscent of John Hughes movies (The Breakfast Club) where the music isnt in the background its right up front, with no dialogue. The music itself sets the tone and the emotion, and for those who listen the lyrics in the music match exactly what is being expressed on screen, its quite incredible. The movie has a great sense of style, which can be attributed to the art-house influence the director brings -- quite evident in his previous directorial effort, Bronson -- Great camera shots and edits that keep the action quick and intense almost forcing you to hold your breath during them. Its masterfully crafted never glorifying the action instead opting to make you squirm and clench your fist. Even when there isn't any action, the director lets the camera roll, catching every quaint smile and touching glance forcing the human emotion to be laid bare. There isn't a lot of dialogue in the film, since so much is conveyed in all of the actors faces; yes, their all that talented.

Drive is a movie that fires on all cylinders, a movie without flaws and with such a level of confidence in all of its aspects that you as the audience buy every second of it. Immersing yourself deeper and deeper as the driver follows a path of vengeance to its brutal and extremely satisfying end. Drive is incomparable, it constantly breaks the formula and provides genuine shocks throughout, just when you think you have it figured out it deifies expectations. Drive is an incredibly stylish ride with a giant breath of fresh air; its a simple story that is made all the more engaging with a phenomenal lead actor, brilliant direction and a beautiful score. Its a film that has helped me remember how movies can be a truly transcendent experience. GO SEE IT, NO EXCUSES.

(5 out of 5)

Dead Island Review

Dead Island has drawn many comparisons from Left 4 Dead in its inclusion of fully fleshed out 4 player co-op, Dead Rising in its weapon crafting mechanic, and even Borderlands with its enormous open world filled with millions of weapons -- though Dead Island prefers melee weapons to guns--. All of these comparisons are justified but don't let its easily definable characteristics throw you off, don't even let the overabundant number of bugs, glitches and a general sense of jank put you off, because at its core Dead Island is an extremely satisfying zombie game.

Dead Island is a truly massive game. It's unfortunate that so many games get this description almost undeservedly because when a game comes around that is unquestionably massive it gets shrugged off. But let me be 100% clear, Dead Island is a massive undertaking with a single player that is no shorter than 30 hours in length, with enough side quests and hidden missions to push that into the 50 hour mark no problem. Dead Island does have a story but I honestly have no idea what the hell the game was going on about, there are zombies, you conveniently cant get infected and so to take up your time you kill zombies as you try to find a way off the island of Banoi. The story progresses through four major acts with several chapters in each, there are mainline story missions that will move the actual story forward as you make your way to each of the major locations on the island on your ultimate quest to GTFO (too internet-y?).

The areas in Dead Island add to the scope with 3 major locations. The major spots are the Resort area consisting of a luxury hotel with pools and bongalos lining the beach with a lighthouse at the far end. The second is the urban inner city of the island, reminiscent of a third world country. Lastly the Jungle even deeper into the heart of the island consists of handmade straw huts with small villages of the indigenous tribal people. These areas are huge, traversing them on foot takes a long time and you really get the sense that you are a single very vulnerable human in all this chaos. The game does a great job of making you fear walking to far out of an area you are familiar with, with a simple fear of the unknown. The game is refreshingly hard, and single group of 3 zombies can kill you if you are unprepared, its fun and frightening.

The combat in Dead Island focuses on first-person melee, swinging whatever you can scavenge off the island to beat back the infected hoard. Anything from broom-handles to fire axes and if your lucky a gun with just a handful of bullets. There are greater dangers than zombies on this island, as some of the local survivors have taken advantage of a completely up-heaved society for their own ends. Fighting them takes patience until you can scavenge some of their guns and fight them on a more even keel. There are a countless number of weapons with variations on the even the simplest and useless of weapons. In your travels you will discover weapons with better stats which you can modify at any of the crafting tables to make even better. There is tiered loot, which is a plus in any game, forcing you to obsessively tear apart every house for looking for even a green tiered weapon.

Dead Island even has some pretty simple RPG mechanics thrown in for good measure, you gain experience for killing zombies but the more brutal and creative you get the more experience points you get, which allows you to level up. For instance start by breaking your enemies arms then since he/ she no longer has a use for them go ahead and chop those off and keep them for somebody more appreciative now go ahead and take the head right off the shoulders. (that's at least 700xp)
Once you reach a new level you are given a single skill point to augment your character as you see fit, more stamina, better accuracy, and even unique things like an ability to tackle enemies. Dead Island scales to your level, meaning that the game will always maintain the same basic level of difficulty, with exceptions for big set-piece encounters.

Dead Island is not without fault. Bugs litter this game including but not limited to, horrible physics interactions, clipping through environments, an inconsistent respawn system, some pretty terrible AI, mission objectives that finish themselves or are just stuck and can never be completed. Yet for all that, Dead Island is still fun; loot, customization options that turn a Bolo Sharp Machete into an Electrified Head Splitter with a few parts, massive dense and detailed environments filled with random quests popping up after just a little exploration. Dead Island is a ... good game, its not compelling in any way but there is an inherent addiction in a game that provides so much freedom even when its filled with bugs.

(3 out of 5)

Rock of Ages (XBLA) Review

Imagine a giant boulder barreling down a hill towards a medieval castle, catapults launching to try and slow it down to no avail, the giant rock picks up speed it somehow jumps over a series of explosives and smashes full force into the castle's gate "One more roll oughta do it". Rock of Ages combines atypical tower defense mechanics with Marble Madness style gameplay spruced up with some bizarre historical context to become one of the most unique experiances available on XBLA. 

Rock of Ages tasks you with control of a gigantic boulder as you roll down increasingly complex and obstacle heavy courses to reach a castles gate at the end. Your objective is to break down that gate and squish the historical figure hold-up within. While your waiting for your boulder to roll you spend money -- earned by destroying buildings-- to build weapons that will be used to protect your own castle gate from the enemies boulder. Its a simplistic formula that proves to be unprecedentedly fun and even challenging as the AI becomes more relentless and courses become more complicated. Speaking of the AI it is the one gripe I have agianst this game, it can be to precise in its tower placements, it seems to know exactly the right spot to place a catapult that will damage you or knock you off the course. That mixed with the spotty hit detection can become frustrating as you navigate the labyrinthine maze of towers and track obstacles.

The weird artsyle composed of boulders with goofy faces carved into them and famous historical figures that are portrayed as little paper puppets in amusing cut-scenes that establish every enemies. The game is rife with pop-culture references from 300 references when you fight King Leonidas or just plain silly attributes like zombie Plato and Socrates. Its all jovial and completely insane but it adds to the charm of an already quirky fun game.

(4 out of 5)