Quick and Dirty Reviews

30 Minutes or Less (2 out of 5)

Jesse Eisenberg plays a pizza delivery boy who is knocked unconscious by two men in gorilla masks, when he awakens he has a bomb strapped to his chest and is being given 9 hrs to rob a bank for $100,000. 30 Minutes or Less could be describing its own running-time which is an incredibly brisk 83 minutes, clearly overly edited and worse off for it. While in essence a comedy the movie is only at best, smirk inducing, you might catch yourself smiling and nodding to a joke but never outright laughing. Its a shame because 30 Minutes or Less has a great cast with some legitimately funny moments that always end with some crude joke or nut-shot (punch to the groin). Aziz Ansari plays Eisenberg's friend and is easily the best part of the movie, garnering the best gags and clearly off-the-cuff dialogue. All told 30 Minutes or Less is a great premise that buckles under juvenile humors and an unnecessary side-plot including the two kidnappers starting a tanning saloon as a front for a prostitution ring. 

Killer Elite (2 out of 5)

Killer Elite is the very definition of rudimentary, its a watered down retread of just about every thriller ever conceived. They pulled out all the tropes for this one, ranging from "I was out and they pulled me back in" to secret organization with a huge cover-up, there is even a pretty girlfriend to add stakes. Robert DeNiro is cashing in his paycheck in this film there isn't a scene where he doesn't look bore; he adds nothing to the movie other than a big name. Statham is as Statham-y as ever with no acting chops but a hell of a roundhouse kick. Clive Owen seems to be the only one who gives a damn and he manages to give off some real menace in a few scenes but he is relegated to bad guy with cloudy motivations pretty quickly. There are some pretty great fights between Statham and Owen that thankfully are shot without shaky-cam giving the action better impact but in the end this is a movie that has been done much better before.

Twilight Saga:Breaking Dawn Part 1(1 out of 5)

Here we are with the fourth and penultimate Twilight film (we are almost done folks). Breaking Dawn takes abysmal failure to all new lows, with groan inducing dialogue, stilted performances and a need to prolong absolutely every shot to justify its two-part structure. Every scene in this movie is bad, they're pretty with great sets and locations, beautiful lighting and even decent special effects; but the sets are nothing I couldn't appreaciate in a home furnishing magazine same goes for the locations but for a travel magazine. This is a movie so content with just looking pretty and nothing else. I mean why not? They already have an enormous audience that will see this movie no matter what, so why should they even put in the effort. The long awaited sex scene between Bella and her glistening vampire boyfriend, now husband Edward is about as sexually thrilling as a Barbie and Ken doll being smashed together repeatedly. The most shocking and disturbing part of this movie is not the half vampire/ half human hybrid that Bella becomes impregnated with which then has to be forcibly removed via vampire teeth C-section; NO its that for 1 hour and 15 minutes nothing of plot relevance happens, NOTHING. It's all longing stares and repressed emotional intelligence. I will end this review with a line from the movie, a line that when uttered will most likely convince you to slit your wrists and accept that humanity is doomed. So here goes, verbatim "If only I could see the fetus *pause for dramatic effect* I could figure out what it wants", that's it folks goodnight, my work is done.