Conan the Barbarian (2011) Review

Conan the Barbarian is a remake of the Arnold Schwarzenegger starring 1982 classic of the same name. While the Schwarzenegger original is fondly remembered for all the wrong reasons, its cheesy dialogue and manliest man on planet man mentality, its become a cult classic of sorts. Remaking the movie doesn't seem like a bad idea, maybe providing a more faithful adaption of the  Robert E. Howard stories with today's advances in movie making Conan could be a thrilling sword and sorcery adventure, the likes of which are few and far between in recent years. Unfortunately this movie is piss poor in all department, making it a less than feeble attempt at recreating the fantasy and brilliantly violent world of Hyboria.

Conan is played by newcomer Jason Momoa known to many from the wildly popular HBO show Game of Thrones were he played a very similar role as Khal Drogo. While Momoa was great on Game of Thrones in retrospect it was most likely since he had little to do but stand there and act brooding. In Conan he gives a laughable performance as he spews one-liners that come off as bad insults an 8 year old would yell. The bad dialogue isn't limited to quips, the entire film has horrendous writing its all dumb and  single syllabic. While bad dialogue can be attributed to the script, the less then thrilling performances lays solely on the actors, all of whom give disinterested and sometimes shockingly bad performances, nobody seems to be giving much of an effort.



The movie also has a generally cheap look, giving me flashbacks to a bad SyFy channel original movie. The effects look terrible sometimes looking worse than a bad video game and the artificial blood while in abundance looks cartoonish and out of place. The movie is intermittently stylish but it all boils down into a formulaic mess quickly thereafter. One set-piece stands out as fun and interesting as sand warriors who disappear into the ground and pop up behind Conan get into an elaborate and mostly well choreographed fight, creating a fun and visually interesting brawl.

Overall Conan the Barbarian is as simple minded as its titular character. More interested in formulaic action scenes filled with buckets of blood. But one-note characters, mind numbingly stupid dialogue and a completely incomprehensible plot makes this movie a dull and predictable affair I wouldn't recommend to even the simplest minded folk.

(1 out of 5)