Quick & Dirty Reviews

The Watch (1 out of 5)

The Watch is single-handedly one of the worst comedies I have seen this year. An absolute abysmal excuse for entertainment and the last straw for Vince Vaughn with whom I now have a personal vendetta against. The Watch is a needlessly vulgar and immensely stupid film that offers nothing in the way of interesting ideas or even gags. Going for crude sex jokes and tangential rants in exchange for actually clever or witty humor. It's childish and clearly desperate and it makes for one of the most painful comedy movie watching experiences I have had since Adam Sandler's Grown Ups. Both Ben Stiller and Jonah Hill have done good work recently so its a wonder why they would stoop as low as this and even Richard Ayoade who has been carving out his own niche appeal is just slumming it here. The only justified person in the film is Vince Vaughn who has consistently starred in lackluster comedies. Stay far far away from The Watch a half "comedy" half sci-fi mash-up that fails in the key aspect of its existence, entertainment.

Brave (3 out of 5)

Brave is an unfortunately unimaginative effort from animated powerhouse Pixar, who usually delivers the best in class animated features. But Brave channels old school Disney princess movies too much, making it a gorgeous looking if predictable fairy tale adventure. The film follows Merida as she rebels against her mothers wishes of being betrothed and becoming a queen. Merida likes archery and adventuring and when a hasty wish granted by a suspicious witch goes awry she must grow up and take on her responsibility. If this sounds familiar it's because it is, recounting 50 years of Disney movie princess, Brave does little in the way of originality a rarity for Pixar. In the end Brave is still better than most animated films but it is an unfortunate low point in the Pixar pantheon which up until now has only included one failure, Cars which most people disregard as the lowly merchandising money maker.

Total Recall (2 out of 5)

Why?!? Remaking the original 1990 Total Recall was 100% unnecessary, the original is widely regarded as a classic and its cheesy ultra violent practical effects and overt satirical commentary typical of a Verrhoeven film were what made it so memorable. Now 22 years later Total Recall is a boring and hollow action movie from the directorial hack Len Wiseman. What was once an entertaining and smart action movie has now been diluted to its modern day equivalent and it's far worse for it. But decent action set pieces and great visual effects make the disappointment go down a little easier. Bryan Cranston in his recent quest to be in every movie ever (last seen in Argo), plays Cohaagen a far step down from the original films interpretation but at the very least Cranston delivers the best performance in the movie and is pretty bad-ass throughout. Everyone else however is sorely lacking in, well, talent. Colin Farrell who has done great work recently in smaller independent films appears to be sleep walking through this one, clearly in it for the paycheck. And while Kate Beckinsale and Jessica Biel throw themselves into everything they do, it's more because they're generally so terrible any job could be their last. Stay away from this disgrace of a remake and at best mediocre action movie and dig up a copy of the original it holds up and offers way more in the way of interesting ideas and pretty amazing practical effects.

V/H/S (4 out of 5)

Holy Crap was this movie scary, V/H/S is a horror movie anthology like Creepshow or Trick 'r' Treat. The conceit is that a group of guys break into a house to steal some VHS's and while there they watch a few of the movies, which contain morbid recordings of completely unrelated horrors. As with most anthologies V/H/S has a few duds in its over arching narrative but even-still I haven't been this thoroughly freaked out by a horror film since The Strangers. Each tape contains a different story some slow burns that feed on the tension and anxiety and other are more supernatural harping on the fear of something omnipresent and inhumanly powerful. The film feels like a love letter to the horror genre, not with references or gags but by taking tropes and expectations and twisting them enough so that even the most hardened horror lover will get a kick out of these fucked up stories. There are five separate stories and only one is a let down, while another I didn't find scary because it seemed too unreal. V/H/S comes highly recommended, but be forewarned this movie is not for the faint of heart, and even if you have become tired of the found footage direction of recent horror films I promise this movie offers some real scares and some inventive use of the concept that it's well worth checking out but only if you want to loose a few hours of sleep for the next few weeks.

Elementary (TV Show) (1 out of 5)

A rote and predictable crime drama that offers nothing in the way of new or even remotely interesting ideas. Forced pleas for differentiation are meaningless and end up coming off as desperate cries for attention rather than interesting creative directions. Elementary apes the formula of a mediocre police procedural and mixes in the now predictable portrayal of Holmes audiences have seen in just about every incarnation of the last 10 years. As with everything on CBS, Elementary finds its audience in stay at home moms and the elderly, it's not a bad audience on the contrary it's quite a loyal contingent if you can hook them, but for anyone with an eye for quality programming this particular show is sorely lacking. Do yourself a favor, hunt down the BBC series and watch that instead and see what a respectable and intelligent modern take on Sherlock Holes can be.